


The Four Worst Things About Being Cursed by a Witch

by neveralarch



Category: Cracked: After Hours
Genre: Bodyswap, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 20:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1098088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neveralarch/pseuds/neveralarch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1. Having to wear name tags to remember who's who.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Four Worst Things About Being Cursed by a Witch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Scribe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scribe/gifts).



> Happy yuletide, scribe! This treat got overlong due to being too much fun to write - I hope you like it.
> 
> Contains accidental misgendering and swearing. Let me know if you need details.

Cody was watching those four weird people carefully. They always showed up right at the end of his shift and had arguments, made messes, or forgot to tip. If they looked like they were starting any trouble, he was going to get Jack to swap tables with him. Jack was way better at dealing with unruly customers.

Tonight the weird people were quiet, though. They were sitting uncomfortably, sipping at their water and looking at their menus. They were also wearing name tags. The blond muscle-y guy's name tag said 'Dan,' the guy with the glasses was tagged 'Katie,' the loud guy with the face was tagged 'Soren,' and the woman was tagged 'Michael.' At least Cody knew their names now.

Katie was fidgeting in his chair.

"What's wrong?" asked Dan.

"How am I supposed to sit with this thing?" asked Katie, gesturing at his groin. "Where does it go?"

"It just sort of, uh. Flops." Dan shrugged. "Spread your knees a little, give it room."

Katie adjusted position, frowning. "Your dick is too big."

"Thanks?" Dan hesitated, and then reached under the table. "Look, let me help. Sit with your legs out and-"

"Stop, stop," hissed Soren. "It looks like I'm giving Dan a hand job. In public."

Dan snatched his hand back and his face went red. Michael giggled.

"Shut up, Michael," said Katie. "And don't- don't look at my body like that."

"I'm not looking at your body like anything." Michael looked offended. "I'm just sitting here."

"You're thinking about my boobs," said Katie.

"Shh." Soren glanced around. "People could be listening."

Katie rolled his eyes. "You're thinking about my boobs," he whispered.

"Am not." Michael rolled her shoulders. "Don't get me wrong, your boobs are fine, great weight to them, but I have totally touched better. Anyway, you're the one going on and on about how big Dan's dick is."

" _Inconveniently_ big," said Katie. "Also I don't know what to do with it when I pee."

"Can we all stop talking about Dan's dick?" Soren had his head in his hands. "Why is this happening to me? Michael's the one who got into a fight with a witch."

"I was drunk and I thought she had vodka hidden under her hat." Michael waved her hands dismissively. "You can't blame me for asking."

"Yeah, but we can blame you for grabbing her hat and running off with it while she threw curses at us," said Soren. "Also, wait, I can totally blame you for asking. I blame you for everything."

"You thought it was funny until the whole body-swap thing," said Dan.

"Don't talk," said Soren. "I don't like it when you talk. Does my voice really sound like that?"

Everyone nodded.

"I thought it was deeper." Soren rubbed the bridge of his nose. "More manly."

"It goes all breathy and kind of squeaky when you get excited," said Michael. "Don't you watch your own videos?"

"Yeah, but, uh." Soren hesitated. "Only with the sound turned off."

"Oh my god, you are so narcissistic." Katie made a face at him. "Next you'll be asking Dan to masturbate while you watch."

"That would be weird and gross," said Soren. "The thought never crossed my mind."

"You did ask if you could run your tongue over my abs." Dan's forehead wrinkled, and he held up a finger. "I mean, you asked if you could run Michael's tongue over your own abs."

"That was supposed to be a secret," growled Soren.

"I don't mind," said Michael. "You should go for it. In fact, all of us should have at least one sexual experience in these bodies. It's the opportunity of a lifetime!"

"No," said Katie. "No. You're just saying that because you want to enact your weird lesbian sex fantasies with my body."

"Come on!" Michael threw her hands in the air. "All I want is one vaginal orgasm, is that too much to ask? It doesn't even have to be lesbians!"

Cody decided that they were probably ready to order. He walked up, pulling out his little notepad and pencil.

"What can I get for you tonight?" he asked.

Everyone's eyes snapped down to their menus, and there was a general muttering. Cody tapped his foot.

"Can I have a cheeseburger?" asked Soren.

"I have a dairy allergy," whispered Michael.

"Okay, just a regular burger," said Soren. "And a coke. Thanks so much."

"Grilled cheese for me." Michael smiled. "With extra cheese. And a root beer. Wait, no! A glass of milk. Two glasses."

"Fish and chips," Katie handed over his menu. "I'll stick with water."

"Give me the open-face roast beef sandwich and a milkshake," said Dan. "Ow! Who kicked me?"

"You're going to ruin my body," said Soren. "All those carbs and fats and sugars? Have you even worked out today?"

"You work out _every_ day?" Dan looked amazed and terrified at the same time. Cody was pretty sure there was a word for that. 

"Dan will have a Cesar salad and a water," said Soren. "Thanks."

Cody made some notes that mostly just said 'weirdos weirdos weirdos.' Oh, aghast! That was the word. He wrote that down too. Then Cody took the menus and walked toward the kitchen. He could still hear the four of them arguing behind him.

"I love open-faced roast beef," whined Dan. "With gravy, and potatoes, and-"

"I can literally see my gut begin to form," said Soren. "We are finding that witch, first thing tomorrow."

"Oh, she gave me her number." Michael pulled a card out of her back pocket. "She'll take the curse off as soon as I apologize. Ow! Stop stabbing me!"

Cody had to run back to the table and take the fork away from Katie.

"My big, strong hero." Michael fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Hey, what time do you get off work?"

"No!" Katie snatched up a spoon and aimed it at Michael's nose. "Bad Michael! No seducing!"

"I, uh, don't want to get in the middle of this," said Cody. "Can we all just calm down?"

"Katie, anything you do to Michael is happening to your own body," said Soren. "Think about this reasonably."

"So you're saying that I should threaten _Michael's_ body." Katie re-aimed the spoon, and Soren leaned away.

"No, wait, not what I meant-"

"Everyone shut up!" Dan slammed the table, and everyone flinched. "Whoops. Sorry. There's a lot of testosterone going on over here. But, look, let's just have dinner and call the witch afterward. Okay?"

There was a general mumbling. Cody risked putting the fork back on the table.

"Okay!" he chirped. "Your food will be out in ten, and I'll be right back with drinks."

So. Weird.

When Cody came back, they were arguing about whether _The Rock_ was the best James Bond movie. Cody put their drinks out, trying to stay unnoticed. They seemed mostly absorbed in conversation and not yelling about witches, which was good.

Cody went to leave, and then stopped. Katie was focused on how wrong Soren was about 'the best car chase ever,' and not looking at Michael at all. Cody leaned in.

"If you're really interested," whispered Cody, "I get off in twenty minutes."

"Sweet," said Michael, way too loudly. "Then maybe we'll both _get off_ in twenty minutes, haha."

"Michael, oh my god!" shouted Katie, and that was it. Cody was never taking their table again.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic of] The Four Worst Things About Being Cursed by a Witch](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3599148) by [Dr_Fumbles_McStupid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dr_Fumbles_McStupid/pseuds/Dr_Fumbles_McStupid)




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